Presidents Versus Dictators

Interesting conversations happen at my dinner table.

The other night, The CEO and Gaze and Taz, inspired by the upcoming NCAA  basketball tournament, put together a Dream Team of US Presidents for a pick-up basketball game against the World Dictators All-Stars.

Here’s The CEO to describe their plan:

The rules: Presidents and Dictators are chosen based on their peak physical condition. Dictators were chosen from a timeframe consistent with the existence of the US Presidency, 1788-present (so don’t look for Julius Caesar, who was reportedly tall).

Here are the lineups:

The American Presidents Dream Team
Starting at point guard, from New York City, speaking softly and carrying a Big Stick… standing at 5’10… wearing number 26…
Theodore “Teddy Bear” Roosevelt
At shooting guard, from Harvard … 6’1… wearing #44…
Barack Obama
At small forward, from the College of William & Mary…6’3… wearing #3…
“Too Tall Tom” Jefferson
At power forward, the General and team captain…His Excellency himself…6’2… wearing #1…
George Washington
And at center… 6’4 without the top hat… from the Illinois Home School League… wearing #16…
“Honest Abe” Lincoln

For the World Dictator All Stars:
At point guard… 5’7… from Russia and parts of Ukraine…
“Bad Vlad” Putin
At shooting guard… 5’8… from Libya,…
“The Desert Rat” Moammar Gadaffi
At small forward… 6’3… from Zaire…
“The Rumble from the Jungle” Mobutu Sese Seko
At power forward… 6’4… from Cuba…
Fidel “I Can’t Gitmo Satisfaction” Castro
At center… 6’4″… ‘The Ugandan Nightmare’…
Idi Amin

Here is some commentary about the players and the match-ups at each position:

At the point guard position, this looks like a great match-up for the fans to watch.

TR cowboy

putin

 

 

 

 

 

The always energetic Teddy Roosevelt will push the ball up the court for the Americans looking for fast break opportunities. The Russian strongman Putin, while the shortest of the dictators, is their most physically imposing. We’ll see if Teddy can dribble with one hand while carrying his Big Stick or if Bad Vlad will take over the backcourt like he took over the Crimea.

(Photo credit EMMANUEL DUNAND/AFP/Getty Images)

libya-young1The shooting guard should be the Americans’ strongest scoring position with Barack Obama the Presidents’ best pure shooter. His biggest weakness is that he only shoots from the Far Left Wing. He’s matched up against the always elusive Gadaffi who gets open for his jump shots by using his well-honed nomadic skills developed from years of living in tents in the Sahara dodging missile strikes.

 

Thomas-Jefferson-Quote-Youngg20110215-mobutuinaugOn the front line, at small forward, an intriguing match-up pits the author of the Declaration of Independence against the man who created kleptocracy: theft as the fundamental purpose of government. Will Jefferson get the freedom he needs to hit some open jump shots or will Mobutu steal the show at the small forward position the way he stole most of his country’s mineral wealth? We hold these truths to be self-evident: if Jefferson can’t post up against Mobutu it’s going to be a tough night for the Americans.

Peale_GeorgeWashingtoncastroAt power forward it doesn’t get any more powerful than George Washington, the Father of our Country, taking on Fidel Castro, the last hold-out of Communism (well, the last one with any height, anyway. We were going to start the North Korean guy here, whatever his name is, but he’s just too short and fat). Washington stands head and shoulders above any other American President, but at 6’2 he’s giving up 2 inches in height against the 6’4 Father of the Cuban Revolution. But we don’t expect Washington to give up an inch of ground in the paint where this battle will be fought. After all, this is the guy who taught the world that Americans will cross an icy river to kill our enemies in their sleep on Christmas morning. Washington will have to be aggressive, but he also has to play smart against the cunning Cuban Commie. He doesn’t want to be first in war, first in peace, and first to the bench with three fouls in the first half.

Abe youngidi aminCenter looks like the toughest match-up for the Americans with the Great Emancipator, Abe Lincoln against the Ugandan Nightmare, Idi Amin. While they both come in at 6’4, the concern is whether the long-armed, lanky Lincoln can use his enormous wingspan to counter the much heavier and bulkier Ugandan dictator and former boxing champ. Neither of these guys is a natural scoring threat, so the battle down-low will be more about defensive positioning, blocking shots, and rebounding. Lincoln’s got his hands full here. If Amin is enough of a monster to eat the carcasses of his dead enemies he’s going to be a monster to stop on the boards, too.

If Lincoln gets into foul trouble trying to curtail the self-proclaimed Last King of Scotland, then Coach Eisenhower has another problem with his depleted bench at this position. The next tallest option is 6’2 Andrew Jackson, but his minutes will be limited due to injury. He still has a bullet lodged near his lung from a duel with the man who was supposedly Jackson’s wife’s ex-husband but who says he never divorced her. So, while Jackson was our seventh President, he was the first whose relationship status was “It’s Complicated.” And it’s going to affect his playing time.

Initially Ulysses S. Grant was going to back up Lincoln here, just as he bailed Lincoln out from Robert E. Lee’s Army of Northern Virginia during the Civil War. We thought “Unconditional Surrender” Grant might force Idi Amin into submission in the paint the way he did to the Confederates at Vicksburg, but Grant’s continuing struggles with alcoholism have led to him being suspended for violating the league’s substance abuse policy.

The Americans are coached by President and former General of the Allied Forces in World War II, Dwight Eisenhower. We like Ike as coach. Anyone who could plan D-Day can design an offense that can score points in the paint and stop the Dictators’ pick and roll with a collapsing zone defense.

The Dictators were initially going to be coached by Adolf Hitler, making this a rematch of the Normandy Invasion against Eisenhower, but even among the Dictators nobody could stand to be around this son of a [gun] so they sent him back to his bunker and hired Vladimir Lenin. Actually, they didn’t really hire Lenin, he just kind of sneaked in on a train from Germany and took over.

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8 thoughts on “Presidents Versus Dictators”

  1. You really ought to submit this somewhere! I LdOL all the through, and lost it completely at Lenin sneaking in on a train!

    I’d agree about Obama; he’s by far the furthest Left we’ve ever gone, and he was quite open about wanting to redistribute wealth and fundamentally transform the country when he ran. Plus he seems to be right at home with Communists and FARC terrorists the last few days.

    1. Just to clarify – The CEO wrote this one. He’s pretty funny. 🙂 (And yeah, the Lenin line was my favorite!) I’ll pass on your comments, and I’m sure he’d say thanks as well.

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